God and the Noworkbum

Sometimes when I’m depressed or feeling blah I’ll surf conservative websites. Seeing facts the right has bent and distorted into their twisted interpretations of the truth always gives me a good laugh. It picks up my spirits.
I was cruising the Fox Nation website and ran across “Ten Reasons I believe in God”, by Bill Shuler, a pastor from the Commonwealth of Virginia. I believe strongly in the freedom of religion and have an admiration for those with faith. But his reasons didn’t compel me to get stripped down and be dunked in an over sized jacuzzi. Here’s the good pastors list.

1. An innate sense of right and wrong came from somewhere.
Lets see. Kronk and Gorf are cavemen. One day Kronk steals Gorf’s favorite club. The one Gorf catches food and wives with. Gorf becomes very angry with Kronk and beats him to a pulp with a dead water buffalo. Gorf learns an innate sense of right and wrong. Why? Because he got the shit kicked out of him that’s why.

2. The universe is far too organized and intricate to have come about by chance.
You mean the same “organized” universe that’s hurling a rock the size of Guatemala at us? Destined to destroy every man, woman and republican? Bringing an end to Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck and Michael Jacksons plastic surgeries? Did you mean that “organized” universe? You did. Never mind.

3. Seeing chimps doesn’t compel me to organize a family reunion.
Let me take this moment to say how offended I am. On behalf of primates everywhere, Go Screw Yourself and pass the banana.

4. Anyone who has witnessed a baby’s birth will attest to miracles.
I’ve witnessed the birth of a baby and the only thing I can attest to is it’s disgusting. All the juice, gunk and stuff, yuck.

5. He has appeared in history.
So has Genghis Khan, Adolf Hitler and the Marx Brothers. So what?

6. There must be a reason the heart hungers for truth.
It’s called human nature. We study the unknown. This is why we have paleontologists digging up bones in the desert. This also answers your question about why your sisters second child looks like an orangutan. (Oops, were back on #3 again).

7. People since ancient times have sought Him.
They also sought indoor plumbing. Again so what?

8. People since ancient times have found Him.
Did somebody spot him on America’s Most Wanted? (Like the way I worked in a Fox show?) Where was he hiding? Was he hanging out with Elvis?

9. I see Him in the lives of those who forgive.
I wonder if all the families of all the people who were murdered in the name of God forgave?

10. I spoke with Him this morning.
Of all the good pastors points this troubles me the most. In the course of my employment I deal with many people who speak with God. They also speak with Napoleon (actually he thought he was Napoleon, never mind), the angel of death, Grace Kelly, their Aunt Gladys, Moms Mabley, Curt Cobain so on and so on. You get my point.

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